Houston, Momma Might Have A Problem

OK, so has anyone else noticed how cute baby clothes are?!

Chris and I didn't spend much time looking through baby clothes when I was pregnant since we didn't know whether we were having a boy or girl. I did buy a few outfits along the way, but they were khakis/browns or greens, very gender neutral. This morning we braved a trip to Babies R Us with the Little One for a couple necessities and were both stopped in our tracks as we passed the little girls clothing. Yes, even Chris!

We ended up walking out of there with only 4 outfits, miraculously, but had our cart not been filled to the brim already we'd have likely had several more! I loved picking out clothes with Chris for our little girl, choosing colors and styles that we liked and that fit our tastes, and I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it too. The best is when he picks something out and says how much he'll love it on Arwen because she'll look like her Mommy! :)

Lots of fun...I can so get into shopping through little clothes with my Tiny One - and I don't even like to shop!!

All in an Afternoons Work

Searching for the perfect fabric is tough, but someone has to do it!

Taking a little nap while Mommy does the hard part.

I think I'll take Arwen's cue...it's been a busy afternoon!

It's been a good day. My little partner and I decided to work on a project. I made this cute little back pack for a gift. When our fabrics arrive on Wednesday I'll finish up all the goodies I'm planning to stuff inside!!

One Month

Oh, how the time flies. It's already been a month. At this time 4 weeks ago I was holding my sweet beautiful daughter in my arms marveling at the miracle of life. Holding my precious in my arms with my husband's arms wrapped around me...nothing could've been better. Here we are a month later and still things are pretty darn great.

Arwen's doing wonderfully, putting on weight like a champ and beginning to interact with Chris and me. Oh my, what a feeling when she smiles at me when I take her to breast or looks up at me while she's nursing. There is nothing like it.

As I'll be going back to work soon Chris and I have started testing the waters with a bottle. She finally gave it a couple sucks today and the look on Chris's face was priceless. Her taking a bottle will be very good for the two of them. She's nursed nearly non-stop since we brought her home and then with visitors his time with her has been very limited. Even though I'm hoping to only have to use a bottle twice a day when I go back to work, those will be two very special times for Chris and Arwen.

Yes, Chris will be feeding her during the day because Chris will be staying home with the Tiny One. Stay-at-home Papa! We are very blessed to have the opportunity for one of us to stay home with Arwen. We decided last fall as Chris was interviewing for a new job that we'd rather have one of us taking care of her instead of enrolling her in day care. I have nothing against day care (my Momma has a day care), but when it comes right down to it, we'd rather sacrifice a little to have this time with our daughter. I'll admit that I planted the bug in Chris's ear about staying home, hoping he'd bite since we were so far from my Momma and thankfully he did. I've never regretted our decision and as the time that I'll have to go back to work rapidly approaches I've never been so sure about a decision. I know this is going to be so wonderful for Arwen, we both do. And thinking of how much fun they'll have here together makes me so happy. Plus, I only work about 15 minutes from home, so I'll be home for lunch time feedings and kisses and snuggles and that helps a whole lot!

So, Arwen celebrated her one month by swiftly pooping on Papa directly after her nice warm bath. I think it was her way of letting him know she wasn't quite finished enjoying bath time, as the water was so warm and cozy. And I can't deny laughing...I just think it's hilarious when those kinds of incidents happen. Except in the middle of the night...2AM is no time for jokes of that degree. My family got to spend time with us today too. They've had so little time with her since sickness has been coming and going in their house, but they've had a break from it and seized the opportunity for some Arwen time.

Now, the three of us are going to wrap up the day with a little BBQ (from the local volunteer fire department...oh so yummy!), cuddling, and Bones!! We finally finished the Buffy and Angel shows and have moved on to Bones. It's a great show, if you like those types, and I highly recommend it. And yes, I know we need to get off our butts, but I have been on the mend so I have an excuse for prolonged laziness. The weather is going to be nice this week though so we'll probably head out for some walks.

Happy one month Mommy's sweet lovely girl! Mommy loves you to the moon and back!

Things That Make Me Smile

Finally saying 'my daughter'. I don't know why I haven't said it before now, but it occurred to me last night that I hadn't. Maybe because I haven't been in a situation where those words together have been necessary. I tell her all the time that she's my sweet little baby girl and I talk to others about my baby girl, but until last night I hadn't called her my daughter. It feels so good to say that and know that that's exactly what she is...my daughter, my child.

Telling Arwen how much her Mommy loves her. I say it probably a million times each day and it never feels like enough. I have this incredible fear that my sweet beautiful little girl isn't going to love me or that she is going to forget that I love her (please don't let's get started on that) so I take every single opportunity to get close to her and remind her that her Mommy is here with her and loves her to the moon and back.

Watching Arwen put on weight. She lost quite a bit in the beginning so we were starting to get concerned. Of course, being brand new parents, getting hit with a snow storm (that's relative of course...where we're from 6 inches of snow is quite a storm) and having a baby that cries and eats all the time but doesn't gain weight can be just a bit overwhelming on the emotions. And let's don't forget the fatigue that parents suffer those first couple weeks; that can really play hard on your worry-wart tendencies. At her weigh in this morning though it looks like she's tipping the scales just over 9 pounds!! Horray baby girl!

Seeing Chris with Arwen. It warms my heart so much. He's finally able to get his hands on her for longer spells now. She still has days where all she wants to do is eat and I believe those are hard on Papa, but there are more days when she's alert after eating and will spend time cooing at Chris. And watching them sleep together in the mornings is just priceless. They are so similar in their sleeping and stretching that it just tickles me.

Feeling like sewing again. I had a couple projects lined up that I was hoping to get completed before Arwen came, but I didn't have the chance to do more than pick out my fabrics. I seem to finally be moving along with recovery and getting around to my old self. That's nice.

Blogging. I love sharing stories of our Tiny One with friends and family, and it has helped so much being able to connect with other mothers. Everyone has been very encouraging and supportive when I've needed that and it has really helped me. Thanks Christy for today's post!!

What makes me smile biggest these days though are Arwen's smiles and giggles! I don't even think I can find the words to describe how she makes me feel inside and out. She's beginning to interact a little with us and it's so amazing! She's just a peach and I could eat her up!!

As as aside, this doesn't necessarily make me smile, but I did giggle at the absurdity of it. We received this in the mail the other day with a note from the postmaster saying that he does sincerely apologize for the tragedy that has struck my piece of mail, but that I should be so kind as to understand the volumes of mail they process each day and that sometimes these things just happen.
Well, thank you, kind sir. I forgive you. Lex, I will be sending you a new, unchewed note again directly.

Thinking of You...

I received a call just now from a very dear friend of mine. She is pregnant too, 28 weeks, and got a St. Patty's Day surprise from her little sweet one. Lex's water broke this morning so she's in the hospital on bed rest. She has promised that her little one will be grounded directly upon arrival!

Please say a prayer for my friend and her husband, for her family, but most importantly for her sweet little baby girl. Stay positive Lex. We are thinking of you and love you and can't wait to meet your precious baby girl!!

Happy St. Patty's Day

It's not shamrocks and leprechauns, but it is pretty darn cute!! Hands off everyone. This is my sweet little girl...my little monster!! (And she's very serious about her Mommy and her visits to the milk shop in case you couldn't tell.)

Tears Anyone?

I was working on a post for today, then someone from work sent an email with lyrics to a song she'd heard. She said she thought of us as soon as she heard it. I've never heard the song, couldn't tell you the artist, but I can tell you that reading through the lyrics while sitting here with my sweet baby girl in my arms made me cry like a mad woman. Mostly because I know that the song is going to be so true:

It Won't Be Like This For Long

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Lay'n there in bed listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It's gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It won't be like this for long

Four years later 'bout four thirty
She's crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don't you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll drop her off
And she won't even know you're gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

One day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times you'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the aisle
And he'll raise her veil
But right now she's up and cry'n
And the truth is that he don't mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long
It wont be like this for long

I thought I'd share so I wouldn't be the only mommy sitting here wiping my eyes. :)

Spring and Us

Behold! Chris's Springtime baby!! I love this fella. I think he looks like a big ant!

Spring means tractors and gardening (and mild, tolerable weather before that blasted summer gets here, but I digress)! Chris ordered our seeds this week and we've (by we I mean he, seeing as I was out of commission with a new baby and all) already got broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and cabbage planted and greens ready to sow. Chris was out in the garden yesterday working over one of this years new spots with the intentions of getting taters in the ground today. It's supposed to get cold and rainy again starting this evening so Arwen and I are preparing to hunker down by the fire with some hot chocolate while Papa's out getting dirty. We've had her outside for a little time these past few days as the weather has been so nice and warm, but with it cooling back down for a spell there's nothing left for the two of us except cozying up together on the couch for some Mommy and Me time! Hooray!

The Story of a Girl (Part II)

I was already 2 days past my due date on my last day of work. We had just seen the doctor on Wednesday, my due date, and he had written me out of work. I never anticipated having the baby before my due date, or on the date for that matter. From the beginning I had a gut feeling that I'd have a late baby (I also had a feeling I was having a girl), so I was looking forward to 2 or 3 days at home with Chris. We had that Friday night and the following Saturday afternoon.

Around 6PM on Saturday evening I started having consistent and real contractions. I'd been having Braxton Hicks mixed with real contractions consistently for 2 weeks prior to this, but I definitely knew something was very different about what was going on that night. My family came to the house that afternoon to spend some time and have dinner with us and I'm so glad they did, so glad that my momma got to see me pregnant one last time. When they left Chris and I settled in and starting timing. The contractions jumped between 4 and 7 minutes apart for several hours while we were rambling around the house and getting last minute things packed up, so Chris was beginning to think that we might actually be having one of those long 'fake' nights again. I knew better. When women tell you, "You'll know when you're in labor", it's easy to doubt as a first-timer, but let me join that long line of women...you will know when you're in labor.

We called the doctor around 1AM and he told us that the fluctuation in timing was normal and that we should call him again and plan to come to the hospital when the contractions were about 4 minutes apart for a couple hours. So we kept timing. Chris made videos of us talking and laughing and counting that night. We talked about how we were feeling then, who we thought we'd be bringing home with us in a couple days, whether or not we were scared. Remarkably, I never felt scared. I don't know how, but fear was never an emotion that crossed me that day or in the days leading up to that point. I had been mentally preparing myself for this for 9 months. I accepted the contractions when they came and I made up my mind to overcome them. That was it. And at 3AM we called the doctor back and headed to the hospital.

Arriving at the hospital in real life isn't the production that it is on the big screen. There's no one waiting on you out front, no wheel chairs, no screaming nurses. We parked, walked ourselves in, spoke to the security officer and hauled ourselves up to Labor and Delivery. Simple as pie. We gave the desk nurse our information and were taken to a room. Our nurse for the next 2 hours (it was close to shift change) hooked me up to the monitors for the initial tests. She also did an exam to make sure there were changes from the last time I was at the doctor's office, otherwise it was back to the house for us. Baby and I both were great and I had dilated another centimeter. We were in it for the long haul; we were going to have a baby!

Since I'd stated in my birth plan that I didn't want to be kept in bed I was given an IV port in my hand and Chris and I had free run of the place. We walked around the floor and the lobby and labored until shift change when we had to go back for another round of monitoring. We'd also specified in my birth plan that my intentions were to have a natural childbirth and that we'd prefer a specific nurse to be with us if she were on call. She wasn't, but this turned out to be one of the many blessings of that day.

Our nurse instead was Patty, the hospital's 'specialist' in natural childbirth. Her story itself is pretty amazing; 9 children, all delivered naturally, 3 delivered at home. We knew immediately that we were going to love her, but didn't realize how much until it was all over. While she was monitoring the baby she talked to Chris and me about her views and experiences, talked to me about ways to improve my breathing and to Chris about how he could be more helpful when the labor got more intense. She wasn't just our L&D coach that day, she was also our life coach. I can't say enough wonderful things about Patty. She stayed with us the entire time through labor and delivery and talked me through some of the most difficult pain of my life. She taught Chris how to apply pressure to my back when the contractions got stronger, she watched lovingly as Chris and I slow danced through contractions, she encouraged us both as the pain got so incredible that my concentration on breathing waned, she never let me doubt myself or the job I was doing.

Labor was not easy. I never expected it to be. If I have any advice to give anyone thinking of a natural childbirth it's to be mentally prepared for it. If natural is the way you want to go then you have to enter the whole process with your heart and mind set on it. There were times around 8 centimeters that I began to quietly doubt myself and my decision, but thankfully I had a great support team in Chris and Patty. That's another piece of advice from me: have support in whatever form you need it. I had Chris and a picture of my Mawmaw and Pawpaw with me, but Patty was our unexpected support, the anchor when our little boat began to rock under the waves.

It took me about 13 hours to dilate completely and a little over 3 hours after that to push. Pushing was by far the most difficult part of the entire birth. No one can tell you how to push effectively and after no sleep, 13 hours of labor and 3 hours of pushing you forget in that minute and a half break what the doctor told you was right. My contractions were long enough that I was able to get in 4 pushes almost every time and most of the time only half of my pushes were 'right' (you have to push up for those of you who are first-timers like me and it's not just that simple, it takes a bit of practice). It was then that I thought maybe it wasn't me at all; maybe Arwen wasn't quite ready to leave her little nest. And by 2 and half hours into pushing I was ready to make a deal with the devil to leave her in a bit longer, just so I could take a nap...I'd have settled for just 30 minutes.

While I'm throwing around praises let me tell you about my doctor. I think he realized early on that I was going to have a lot of trouble getting Arwen pushed under that last little bone, but he was terribly patient. At 2 hours he told Chris and me that he understood it'd been a long day and that he knew I was very tired. He said that the baby was 'right there' and we could have her in a minute if that's what we wanted. We chose to wait, we wanted to keep going. He said OK and we kept going with him patiently talking me through contractions and pushes. When hour 3 had come and passed he reminded us again that we could have our sweet one in just a minute if we wanted. He was never pushy or agitated, but I could tell by the look on his face that I was getting nowhere fast and I knew how long it'd been since my water had broken. So Chris and I talked and decided we take the doctor up on his offer, we'd let him use suction to help Arwen and me.

That was the first time I cried. I felt so terrible that I'd let myself, Chris and Patty down. I felt like I was giving up and it hurt my heart so badly. Chris assured me that he was nothing but proud of what I'd achieved and the next thing I knew we had a baby. Chris introduced me to our sweet little girl and nothing else mattered. It was just like my Momma and Mawmaw had promised all those months ago when I talked to them about doing this naturally, "When you see that baby all the pain will go away." And it did. Patty and my doctor both talked to us later and told me that I was in fact going nowhere in a hurry and that I'd made the right decision, that it was time for me to let someone help me through with the rest. It felt good that Chris nor Patty were disappointed with my decision, I knew I could fight my own demons later. We had our healthy little girl and I was on top of the world.

I can't finish this without thanking Chris. What would I do without him? Such a wonderful partner throughout our pregnancy; there for every single bedtime vomit fest, crying session, worrying chatter, doctor appointment, you name it. He was my champion through the thick and the thin and all the learning curves along the way. And when it came time to welcome our sweet baby girl he was there by my side for every single contraction and push. We walked and we talked and we swayed those contractions away. He gave every bit of his strength when my own was waning and together we accomplished a great feat. We brought Arwen into the world just as we'd hoped and I was so very proud of both of us.

The Story of a Girl (Part I)

I'm sitting here with the doors and windows open on this unseasonably warm day watching my husband hold and nap with our sweet baby girl and have been inspired to share a story.

It all started way back when...when having a baby was a pre-wedding discussion; when the 'how long do we want to wait' talks began; when the day came that the decision to stop taking the Pill was made; when we finally got a positive test result; when our lives changed forever.

Chris and I both knew we wanted children and we were both set on waiting at least 3 years before we tried to get pregnant. Our relationship had been long distance for the most part and we were looking forward to spending time together. We adopted a dog (Olive) then a starved stray showed up and we fell in love with him (Jake) and finally a third found her way to us (Gypsy) and they were our babies. But, we were still able to travel when we wanted, lounge when we wanted and do all the crazy selfish things that a newly married couple does. There were arguments, there was learning, there was loving, there was growing. It was great.

3 years later, while out on a walk together, Chris stopped and looked at me. "Let's stop taking the Pill." OK, I said. And that was that. It was like we both just knew somehow that the time was right; that we were both in a new place and ready to take the new step in our lives together. I think back on that moment quite a bit and it's still one of the most romantic memories I have of us. (Think You've Got Mail...a total Meg and Tom in the park moment)

It wasn't as easy as waving a wand for us to get pregnant (you wouldn't know that by the unhealthy amount of teen/unwanted pregnancies though) so when we finally got a positive test result everything seemed so surreal for a time. It was sometimes just down right scary. Were we really ready? Could we handle raising something so frail and needy? Hah. Could we handle another one of either of us?! Would we make good parents; be able to instill the loves we have into a little one? But at the same time it was so darn exciting! We were going to have baby! A little piece of each of us to share with the world. And that was worth those all those months of trying.

It didn't come without the necessary evil that is fear though. I think Chris would've shouted the good news from the roof top that day, but I was far more reserved. I wanted to wait through the first trimester to spill the beans. Doctor appointments came and went and the first 12 weeks were over. Our tiny one had made it over its largest hurdle and it was time to let loose with the excitement! And I think any new mommy knows there is nothing more exciting than the sound of that little heartbeat drumming from her stomach.

I had a great pregnancy. I loved every single minute of it. Sure, there were times when everything seemed a bit overwhelming and unusually difficult to handle, but it all was par for the course. My body was going through intense changes and I'd have been a fool not to expect some minor mental and emotional meltdowns. But all in all, I think most everyone knows that I was so happy being pregnant that I was in no hurry to have it end. I was perfectly content having my baby nesting inside me and I think I learned later on that my little one was just as happy there too.

I think I'll stop here for now, as the Tiny One has decided that eating is exactly what is needed after a nice long nap with Papa. I'll be back with the second half of this girl's (and another's) story very soon.

Blue

I did something the other night that I didn't think I'd be able to do so soon: I went out to the store on my own. I put on real clothes and made ready to walk out the door...alone; without Chris and without Arwen. It took me what felt like a lifetime to get up from the couch. I couldn't stop staring at her, lying there in Chris' arms. Honestly, it felt like total betrayal on my part. It felt like I was leaving her and would never see her again. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but it was such an overwhelming feeling to shake. But I did, eventually. I kissed them both goodbye over and over and walked out the door, got in my car and drove away.

I thought that was tough. I wasn't at all prepared for what happened next. When I turned on the CD player I was completely overtaken by sadness. The CD that was playing was like a slap in the face with my new reality. It hit me that I didn't have my sweet baby in my belly anymore. That there would be no more Baby and me. I cried the whole trip to the store. (It was a Cadbury Mini Egg mission, Christy. Thought that'd be simple enough for me to handle on my first post-baby solo outing.) I couldn't believe I had gotten so upset over something that was seemingly so silly. Obviously, I am so happy to have my Little One here with me, to love and hold, but I just couldn't pull myself together. I even cried when I got home and Chris asked how the trip was.

This hasn't been the only crying incident. I've been pretty blue lately. I know the fatigue has a lot to do with it. We're all three working together to get this figured out and to find our way in this new routine. Chris and I even utilized the lactation consultant as a counselor the other day. It was so comforting to hear her tell me that my feelings are normal; that even she and her own daughter felt some of the same things I do right now. It's nice to not feel alone.

It's almost embarrassing to admit feeling this way. There's such a stigma attached with depression or having the weepies. I can definitely see why new moms want to always wear their game face and pretend like everything is hunky-dory. I catch myself doing it even; it's just easier. For me, though, I don't need pity parties. I need encouragement. This is a new adventure for me and for us and I know there's a lot to figure out still.

So, off we go...wrapping up week number 2 with my sweet little gassy gal. We're off to the doc again on Friday. Here's hoping the Little One makes weight!

One Week

I can't believe how quickly this week passed. It makes me very sad to know that it will probably always be like this, but mostly knowing how soon I'll be back at work and away from my sweet girl.

This week has been crazy. Arwen had her first doctor appointment the day after we got home (Wednesday) and were told that she was losing too much weight, which resulted in a visit on Thursday. She'd only regained an ounce so we had to start supplementing her with formula, which neither Chris nor I was happy about. It was a bit demoralizing thinking that I couldn't keep my baby happy and growing, but hearing from other moms having to do this same thing was a little helpful. We spent the rest of the day and night feeding her formula from a medicine cup after nursing. I suppose she might have taken a bottle, but we weren't really willing to risk any sort of nipple confusion this early. It was pretty cute though; she looked like a little young pup lapping milk. We were back in the office on Friday to see how much, if any, weight she'd gained. Thankfully, between the formula and my milk coming in she had put on 4 ounces so we were able to get her back to nursing exclusively. And it's been non-stop since then.

Let me tell you, this girl can eat. Holy moly. And not only does she like to eat, she likes to nap while she's eating. There have been several 2 hour nursing sessions because she eats and naps, eats and naps. So, clearly she and I are still trying to get this whole nursing thing figured out. She also poops. A lot. I've always heard that babies eat, sleep and poop, but this is a little more than I bargained for. It is sort of funny though, if poop can even be funny. Right now, with this level of fatigue, anything has potential to be funny. It's socially acceptable for babies to have awful noises coming from their rear end and I'm still not quite used to having someone around that can get away with that, I suppose. Every time she does it in public I sort of draw up inside. In my mind I think Chris has done it and I die a little. Then I laugh at the notion that my husband would just forget himself and let his bowels get the best of him. (Oh Lord she just did it and I flinched...I'm not even a prude about things like that. Go figure.)

We've also had company this week which has been a little tougher than I imagined. I look forward to family seeing Arwen and spending time with her, but I didn't realize how hard it would really be for me. I'm spun as tight as a top after a couple hours of someone else holding her and stealing her kisses and smell. I just start pacing and fidgeting and feeling like I could pull my hair out. Rather than fully admit that I might be going a little wacko I tell myself that the newness has still not worn off for me yet. Nursing helps here at least, and it's at these times that I'm thankful for a lazy eater.

And to top the week off, we got about 6+ inches of snow last night. We lost power for about 8 hours so the three of us had a little camp out in the living room. We are fortunate in that we have a wood stove, so heating ourselves or food is not an issue, but I felt terrible for everyone else that doesn't have that option. Chris read articles to Arwen and me from the Organic Gardening magazine to keep us occupied and we talked about a few new items we might like to try in the garden this year. All in all, not a bad night. I think we're going to do it again tonight actually.

So to summarize, if you couldn't have guessed already, I am in complete love with this little girl. I am so overwhelmed with love that I stare at her and just cry sometimes, especially when she's nursing. It's amazing that even still I am the one that sustains her, keeps her going and she does the same for me. I spend every minute I can sniffing her and kissing her and whispering in her ear just how much I love and adore her. In short, I can't get enough, not one single bit of her...right down to her foul sounds and smells.

Here's one of my favorite pictures of her so far...my sweet peach napping in my baby blanket.